Strokes
We like strokes. We all need strokes. No, not the cerebrovascular kind, but the recognition that one person gives to another. Strokes can be positive or negative. Most of us desire positive strokes; “My, you look nice today,” or “That was a great meal you made.” However, if we can’t receive enough positive strokes, we will accept, even create, negative strokes.
I tend to avoid negative people. Oh, I may initially make an effort to rescue them, but I have never been successful. So, what do you do when you encounter an individual who thrives on negative strokes?
My first reaction may be to stroke them in a negative way. That’s what they want. That’s what they need. Me? I tend to ignore their negative pleas.
Years ago, I was in a place of business talking with the owner when, through the window, we both watched a regular customer approaching the front door.
The owner said, “Oh, no, here comes Roger. He’s going to bitch about something. He always does. Watch how I handle him.”
The owner was right, Roger started bitching about some miniscule thing.
The owner responded, “Roger, you’ve pointed out a problem in my operation that never occurred to me. Thank you so much! I intend to get started on fixing it today. What do you think about fixing it this way?” (…and he elaborated on a solution to Roger’s problem)
Roger was speechless. He fully expected that his complaint would be countered with reasons why his problem could not be addressed. Instead, what he received were positive strokes. He couldn’t deal with them. He wasn’t after positive strokes. He probably never got any in years so he went through life searching for the only kind of strokes he could get. Roger left, obviously distraught.
This is another way of dealing with negativity. I have no idea if either approach is an “acceptable” method. I just try not to feed their negative craving. Eventually, they will wander away. If you have any interest in exploring this subject further, see:
Stroking is the recognition that one person gives to another. Strokes are essential to a person’s life. Without them, Berne said, the “spinal cord will shrivel up.” It has been shown that a very young child needs actual physical strokes in order to remain alive. Adults can get by on fewer physical strokes as they learn to exchange verbal strokes; positive strokes like praise or expressions of appreciation, or negative strokes like negative judgements or put downs. Therefore, the exchange of strokes is one of the most important thing that people do in their daily lives.
Negative strokes make the person receiving them feel not OK. Still, even though unpleasant, negative strokes are a form of recognition and prevent “the spinal cord from shriveling up.” For this reason, people prefer a situation of negative strokes to a situation without strokes at all. This explains why some people seem to intentionally hurt themselves in their relationships with others. It is not because “they enjoy hurting themselves” but because they can’t get positive recognition, and choose painful negative strokes to having no strokes. EmotionalLiteracy.com
or this site:
Eric Berne, borne in 1910, in Montreal, Canada, was a pioneer and a radical in the field of psychiatry. Berne died on the 15th July 1970 aged only 60 years of age. He left behind him a profound and systematic theory of personality and a range of tools which have been used throughout the world to promote health and growth.
Berne’s best known work is Games People Play (1964), an international best seller which has altered the way every day people think and how they understand relationships. The idea of the inner Child, of Games, and of Strokes and Life Scripts are now widely used terms far outside of the TA community, and have entered everyday language. ILoveULove.com
